Kitchen Dreams With Gordon Ramsay

Dinner with Gordon Ramsay in four parts.
Tagline: One person's nightmare can be another person's dream.

INT. APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON

MONA lounges in pajamas on her living room couch. She channel surfs as she looks and listens to the pouring rain outside. She's covered in tissues from residual runniness/tears after watching "Marley and Me."

FOXYLADY steps out of the bathroom in a towel and heads into her bedroom to change. Mona's cell rings. She doesn't recognize the number and lets it go to voicemail. She hears the notification bell and dials in.

MONA
(freaking out in hysterics)
Oh my god! What?!

FOXYLADY
(from her bedroom)
What is it?

FoxyLady walks in, curious to hear why her roommate is losing it.

FOXYLADY
What's happening?

MONA
CrewCutie just invited me to dinner tonight. Holy crap! Her co-worker apparently snagged us a table at a restaurant that's being showcased in Gordon Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmares." They're filming an episode there tonight and we'll be eating on camera. What!?

FOXYLADY
Wow. That's so cool! Nice that she thought of you.

MONA
I'm going thanks to her hungover friend. I need to call her right back. And Gordon Ramsay is going to be there! Brunch with LittleMissSunshine is sadly a no go. We're meeting at Back Room at six o'clock then cabbing it to Mojito in Brooklyn.

FOXYLADY
Crazy. Do you even watch the show?

MONA
No. I need to backread ayee-SAPP!

Mona picks up her phone and calls CREWCUTIE back while looking up Ramsay on Wikipedia for a quick history/biography lesson. She knows he is a bad-a** in the kitchen, but he was also a bad-a** on the soccer field? Who knew?

CREWCUTIE
Hey!

MONA
Ummm...oh my god! I'm so there! What the ---?!?!

CREWCUTIE
I know. It just worked out perfectly. My friend went to a wedding last night and she's super hungover and can't make it. I was thinking with your blog, you'd be the perfect person to join us.

MONA
Hells, yeah! I'm so pumped. Do we know when it airs? Do I have to set my DVR?

CREWCUTIE
All I know is the show's on Fox on Thursdays. I will ask my friend when this one will air, but no, I don't think so.

MONA
What the heck are you going to wear? Do I have to get all dolled up?

CREWCUTIE
I will probably wear a dress or jeans and a nice top.

MONA
(knowing CrewCutie always looks so put together, she was going to have to step up her fashion game)
OK. Sounds great. And we're meeting at six?

CREWCUTIE
Yeah. I figured we'd grab a drink before.

MONA
Suh-WEET. Let's touch base later. See you in a few hours. Thanks again!


INT. BAR- DUSK

Mona exits the subway and heads towards Norfolk and Delancey to meet CrewCutie and her two girlfriends. Mona receives a text from CrewCutie telling her Back Room is closed until 7:30 p.m. so she finds the girls at Nurse Bettie just two doors down.

MONA
(closes umbrella, dumps items on a stool, takes off her coat, shakes hands with the new girls, while noticing uber-cute, scruffy bartender)
Hey, guys. What's up? I'm Mona.

CARA
Hey, I'm Cara.

MOLLY
Hi, I'm Molly.

MONA
Nice to meet you guys.

BARTENDER
What can I get you?

MONA
Shoot. I have no idea...Beer? Wine? Cocktail? Ahhhh.......... Magic Hat, please.

BARTENDER
Sure thing.

MONA
(turns to CrewCutie)
I cannot believe this. It's just hilarious and I'm so glad I could come.

CREWCUTIE
I know. I'm so happy. You were the one person I figured would be a definite.

MONA
Ummm...absolutely!

CREWCUTIE
So what's been going on? What's new?

MONA
Oh you know, work's been stressful past couple of weeks. Been flying solo and it's a lot to handle. A friend was recently killed in an accident, so it's been kind of rough. Planning a trip to Ireland to get away for a while... ever been?

CREWCUTIE
God, I'm so sorry to hear that! Well... a friend of mine who's 100% Irish took me on a tour. We hopped from relative's house to relative's house across the country and drank and partied at every stop along the way.

MONA
Oh man...I cannot wait.

CREWCUTIE
What's up with the boys?

MONA
I'm kind of hanging out with this one guy. We met about six weeks ago. I dunno! We'll see what happens.

CREWCUTIE
Fun! Did you hear about JB's new job?

MONA
Umm...no. Spill it!

CREWCUTIE
He's heading to Colorado to coach Phelps.

MONA
Get out. Oh my god. That's sick! Are you serious? How'd he get that gig?!

Girls continue catching up. Mona gets to know Molly and Cara a little bit before they realize the time, pay the tab, say goodbye to cute bartender and escape to Brooklyn. Mona debates leaving her Mona's Apple "business card" with the bartender, but refrains. She decides it would have been awkward as the only other girl in the bar was there to hang out with him and envisioned the humiliating conversation that would have taken place after she left.

INT. TAXI EN ROUTE TO MOJITO - EVENING

Confused cab driver looks at his GPS and bangs it a few times, trying to figure out where the heck the displaced Manhattan ladies are going.

MONA
There it is. I see the yellow sign. Mojito! Right up here on the right, sir. Yes, this is fine.

Mona collects moolah from ladies and everyone hops out of cab.

CREWCUTIE
(crosses street with other girls)
I guess we head over to the tents?

PA #1
(holding clipboard, scouring for name)
Hey guys, name under reservation?

CREWCUTIE
M-.

PA #2
(also holding clipboard, scouring for name)
I'm sorry, what's the name?

CREWCUTIE
M-.

PA #1
And who did you speak to?

Back and forth exchange continues for a few minutes before ladies realize CrewCutie's name is not on clipboard. Friendly PAs tell the group to wait under one of the two tents set up on the sidewalk sheltering would-be Mojito munchers until they can proceed inside. Sidewalk riddled with film crew and cameras. The jib follows each group as they head up the ramp and inside to reality-palooza.

PA #2
OK, ladies, come this way. Sign these waivers, we'll take your picture and you can go on and head inside.

MONA
Picture? Oh great.

Girls frantically comb their hair, adjust lipstick, gloss, blush, powder and pose with numbers 1-4 and the dry-erase board with group's reservation name. No Gordon Ramsay yet. Mish-mosh bunch of people trekked to Mojito for this event: young and old, pretty and homely, hipster and redneck, geek and metro-sexual.

INT. MOJITO RESTAURANT - EVENING

Host tells group it will be about a 20-minute wait.

Group orders three different mojitos: cucumber lime, strawberry-hibiscus, basil-mint. Fourth member orders a Dos Equis. Mojitos are delicious, though Mona is upset hers did not come accompanied by sugar cane swizzle stick. Bartenders start cutting sugar cane when it's too late.


Camera comes over to the four flirty females smiling and sipping on their drinks. The conversation turns to the menu they receive from the brightly clad bartender. What to order...

MONA
(freaking out in a loud whisper as she spots Ramsay)
Oh my god. There he is!

Ramsay talks to a table in his dapper chef whites, his blond hair in a sexy spaz. He is a vision in the sea of bright, sunshine-y yellow T-shirts the rest of the staff is wearing. Their bright colors were like a postcard from the Caribbean.

CREWCUTIE
Nice! Hope he comes over and says hello. When I mentioned tonight to friends I was explicit about NO BOYS. I figured we'd have more fun and get better treatment if we were all girls.

MONA
(laughing in shock)
Get out. You are one smart girl, CC!! DAY-um.

After several trips to the host(ess) stand, the 20-minute wait turns into an hour. The group is starting to get a little cranky.

Enter Ramsay, to the rescue.

RAMSAY
Hello, ladies.

CC, CARA, MOLLY
Hi. Hi. Hi.

MONA
Hello, Mr. Ramsay.
(as soon as she says it, she's laughing inside, but feeling he deserves the utmost respect)

RAMSAY
Ayoh, gawwwd. Please. It's Gordon. Now you're gonna make me feel old!

FOUR GIRLS
(laughter, giddy smiles, ridiculousness)

RAMSAY
Glad you could make it, ladies. Have a great night!

FOUR GIRLS
(laughter, giddy smiles, ridiculousness)

MONA
(after Ramsay departs, of course, and wondering how she gets so starstruck, slapping CC hard on the shoulder multiple times)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Eventually they make it to their table. CC ends up sitting in the exact spot her boss sat just moments before. A bunch of her co-workers also attended the evening's festivities. The word on the floor was service was super slow so order up everything you wanted at once. Done and done.

CC hears the braised short ribs are good, or the ropa vieja. Molly goes for the pernil, or the pork. Cara tries the chicken and Mona orders the skirt steak.

The highlight of the meal were the ribs with plantain mash and the empanadas. The crew ordered chicken empanadas and guava and cheese empanadas. They were a little concerned when Giovanni, the server, mentioned the guava/cheese empanadas would make a great dessert, but they went with them anyway.

Fat girl next to the girls' table interrupts.

FAT GIRL
Ummm... are those the empanadas?!

Something in her voice, her crazy eyes and by the fact that her neck veins were about to explode freaked Mona out.

CREWCUTIE
Uh, yeah? They are great!

FAT GIRL
Oh... that's funny. Because we've already eaten our entrees and we never got our appetizers.
(turning a heated red as she laughs to herself and the rest of her fat table)

FAT GIRL (CONT'D)
And we ordered them hours before you guys even sat down!
(followed by an insane cackling and pissed off laughter)

CREWCUTIE
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not sure...
(awkwardly turns to Mona and shrugs her shoulders)

CC
They are totally worth the wait.

MONA
Yeah, they're delicious!

Fat girl proceeds to flag down every bus boy and waiter in the place, demanding a refund and more free food. Each person she talks to is more apologetic than the last. Meanwhile, the camera crew is all up in her business taping the whole thing. Drama sells!

CC
I guess we have to complain if we want to get on TV.

MONA
Oh well. At least we got our face time with Ramsay. As if you don't know coming into this that it's going to be a total s***show. They're not going for Michelin Stars, people, and you shouldn't be either!

Someone brings fried plantain chips to the table with a spicy mayo dip. Each was surprised by it being in a cigar box. Cute touch, though slightly impractical for small tables.

Voila the pernil.


The short ribs.


The skirt steak. Mona was too drunk on Ramsay and mojitos to snap a photo of Cara's chicken.

CARA
Hmmm...the chicken's good, it just doesn't have a lot of flavor.

MONA
Yeah, it is cooked well, though. Very juicy and tender.

MOLLY
I feel like if they're going to serve rice with every dish it better be damn good rice.

MONA
Totally. This is just not cutting it. It's like Uncle Ben's in a box.

CARA
I don't mind it.

MOLLY
Bland and cold.

RAMSAY
(makes another walk-by appearance)
How is it ladies?

GIRLS
(in unison)
Great. It's great! Good. It's good!

RAMSAY
Do you think you'd come back?

GIRLS
(none of us had the heart to tell him how we really felt)
Sure. Yeah. Of course!

And with that, he disappeared. CC tried her darnedest to figure out his whereabouts. She was determined to mention Mona's blog to Ramsay, much to Mona's humiliation and exasperation. And the foursome was not going to be fully satisfied until they had their picture taken with Ramsay.

MONA
Let's not get crazy. It's really not necessary.

CC
Oh, yes it is! I have no qualms flagging him over here. I am a celebrity person. Giovanni, can you send Ramsay over here? That's our final request for the evening.

GIOVANNI
Sure, certainly. If I can find him.

CC
(another busboy brings us water)
Hey, can you bring Ramsay over here?

MONA
Jesus, you are relentless!

The plan was to order dessert until finally, no Ramsay could be seen. CC went to the door to see if he was outside smoking a cigarette. Instead she found a white, fancy town car that was probably headed back to some swanky apartment in Manhattan. Ramsay was done for the night. And so was Mona.

Until... the vision reappeared. All faces at the table lit up like Clark Griswold's home for Christmas.

CC
Gordon! Gordon! Would you mind coming over and taking a picture with us?

Mona was thanking god the crowd had cleared and there were only a few tables left to witness the foursome fawning all over him.

RAMSAY
So what are your names?

All girls shook hands with him and gave them their names.

CC
And my friend Mona here has a food blog. Mona's Apple!

RAMSAY
Oh no. Another Frank Bruni, huh? That guy's a real schmuck.

MONA
No, no, no. I'm nothing like him. I think you'd like my blog if you read it!

RAMSAY
Mona's Apple? Mona's Apple? Now who the hell came up with that name?

MONA
Uh...it's not a good name? I think it's a good name!

RAMSAY
What, do you need a date or something? Going to bed with your hot water bottle?!

MONA
(silenced by disbelief)

RAMSAY
(going for the home run)
What a boring name! Jesus... that would put a f***ing glass eye to sleep!!

To anyone unfamiliar with Ramsay, this may appear to be quite harsh. However, Mona was thrilled and partially flattered Ramsay was so excited and worked up about her blog. He'd never forget the title now!

The ladies got a couple of pictures with the chef titan.

RAMSAY
And what do all you ladies do?

CC
I'm in merchandising.

MONA
I work for ABC.

RAMSAY
The network?

MONA
Yup!

RAMSAY
(shaking his head in disbelief or disapproval, Mona couldn't quite make it out)
Oh god.

If Mona received a quarter for every time Ramsay said "Oh god" to her answers ,she could have paid for everyone's meal at Mojito that night.

After the photos the girls took their seats to pay the bill. Luckily Giovanni was quick to help us because they were fading fast.

CARA
Shoot. I have to go to the bathroom again.

MONA
Go for it.

CARA
I feel bad. Making you guys wait.

MONA
If anything, it gives us more time to linger and possibly talk to Ramsay again.

CARA
OK.

Again, Ramsay comes over to the table. Again, the four are all smiles and laughs. Mona held her breath for fear/anticipation of what was going to come out of his mouth next.

RAMSAY
What are you girls still doing here?!
(glancing at Mona like a sorry puppy, reaching out a hand in truce)

MONA
Waiting for our friend in the bathroom!

RAMSAY
Darling, you know I was only teasing you. I'm just playing around and joking with you.

MONA
(reaches out for his high five, praying he may just go to google and find Mona's Apple later that night)
Yes, Gordon. I know and I can take it and I love it. Keep it coming!

The night ended with Ramsay laying a big, fat memorable kiss on each of the ladies' cheeks. Mona went into it expecting to hate him, fearing the wrath of a man as pompous and arrogant and as big of an a**hole as he is genius like Bill O'Reilly. Instead she left with a new celebrity obsession. She imagines Ramsay being like her swim coaches: high-octane all the time, expecting and demanding nothing short of excellence and yeah, maybe raising his voice and cursing a lot along the way. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Thanks, CrewCutie, for a wonderful evening. And Ramsay, if you're reading this, I'll keep those glass eyes in mind every time I sit down to write.