Missing Connor

To the O'Gormans,

Warrior is one of my best friends and he introduced me to Connor several years ago at Connor’s New Year’s Eve party at his old apartment. It was crush at first sight. I loved his smile, I loved his warmth, I loved his spirit and most of all I loved that laugh, and whenever I was around him, I made it my mission to get him going as often as I could.

Lion forwarded me the e-mail about the memorial plans this weekend and I hope to be there. Only thing is, my cousin is getting married on Saturday in Raleigh, with the rehearsal dinner on Friday. I know myself and I know I will be consumed with the sadness and pain of losing Connor (though I know my heart-sickness is not even 1/1,000,000,000th of what you are going through). I will be happy for my cousin and her fiancé, but all the while I will be thinking of Connor, and the fact that he will never be able to give another wedding toast, or rip his tie off on the dance floor or wait for his wife-to-be to walk down the aisle to meet him in love forever. Instead, unfairly and horrifically, we will all be walking down the aisle towards him this weekend, to honor him and his life that, though lived with joy and fervor, was ripped away from him 60, maybe even 70, years too soon.

I’m not writing to say I’m sorry, rather, I’m writing to say thank you. Thank you for the amazing brother, man, son, friend that will forever be Connor. Connor was the type of guy you met once and the friendship/bond was instantaneous. A couple of months ago a few of us went down to D.C. to welcome Warrior home from his six-month tour in Afghanistan. You can imagine the heaven I was in – me, the only girl among six guys-- seeing our friend home from combat safe and sound. I could have stayed there happily forever. Connor and I bonded over a couple of wild and crazy nights at Smith Point in Georgetown and in the car ride home to New York. We both realized we spent time growing up overseas -- my family's three years in Paris and three years in Tokyo and your family's time in Singapore. With one wrong turn after the next, it was a toss-up between me and Lion to see who’d win the “worst navigator” award. Chatting about long-lost loves, crushes and dates in New York, I had this moment, thinking, why do Connor and I only wait until Warrior’s around to hang out? I was excited to get to know Connor better, to plan our trip out to Colorado for Warrior’s wedding, to play golf with him, to go to baseball games with him and most of all, to just laugh together over beers.

Connor dropped me off right by my subway when we got home from D.C. that Sunday. I kept saying, “Here’s fine… here’s fine… I can walk… HERE’S FINE, CONNOR!?!” He wouldn’t let me out of the car until I was an inch away from the subway entrance. He tried to drive me to my doorstep, but I stubbornly refused (much like he refused to ever let me pay for my own cocktails). My upper-upper west side digs are a big enough inconvenience to me, I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else.

I wasn’t ready to get out of the car that night. I wasn’t ready to go home to my apartment. I wasn’t ready for our weekend to end. But most of all, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Connor. None of us ever were.

Just like he took care of me on the drive home that day, Connor will be taking care of all of us for the rest of our lives. It brings me little comfort now, since I’d do anything to be meeting him for dinner and drinks tomorrow, but I know in time I will feel lucky for the guardian angel who started to watch over me this week, and his name is Connor.

Sending you my thoughts, prayers and a big hug -- one I hope to give you all in person tomorrow,

-M